Sometimes there’s just no celebration to be had

I try…I really do.  I try to be pleasant and happy and cordial and kind.  I try to smile and laugh and be cheerful.  I try…I really do.

But I personally HATE Mother’s Day, especially at church.  Please don’t get me wrong.  I am soooo super appreciative of my mother.  She made sacrifices for me that I can not even begin to comprehend.  She is my inspiration and I love her dearly.  I am not against celebrating her and the awesomeness that is her.  I have no problem with recognizing mothers.  They are amazing people, absolutely amazing people.  But still, for me, this is the worst day of the year.

This day reminds me that I don’t fall in that category.  I am not a mother.  And while very well meaning people try to make me feel better today by telling me that I am ‘like a mother’ to the children in my life, it is not the same.  It really doesn’t make me feel better.  It just goes as more of a reminder that I am childless…I have no children of my own.  It’s not recognition that I am looking for.

This is the day that my heart aches.  It feels so heavy and it makes it hard to breathe. 

And then I go to church and I smile and wish all those well-deserving mothers a Very Happy Mother’s Day and I mean it, I really do, but every time I say it, I am reminded and my heart hurts all that much more.  And the pastor and church staff always do such a wonderful job of recognizing the Mothers in the congregation and I find it hard to breathe through it all.

Today Pastor Bill talked about Nicodemus and being born again.  He referenced us back to Numbers where the Israelites had sinned against God and God allowed them to be attacked by snakes.  He pointed out that when they had repented, God told Moses to build a bronze snake and put it on a pole.  If they were bitten by a snake they could look up and live.  Pastor Bill also pointed out that God didn’t take their problem away.  He didn’t remove the snakes, as He could have.  Instead He gave them a way through the trials and tribulations.  He doesn’t promise to take away the very thing that is causing us such pain, but He promises to save us if we will only look up.

I would rather hope that God will take away this crushing pain that I have by allowing me to have children.  After nine motherless Mother’s Days, I am so worn out.  I am done.  I don’t want to hurt like this.  I don’t want my heart to ache.  I don’t want to spend an entire church service bawling like a big baby telling God how much I hate this day!  I really do want to have enough strength and faith to look up.  I want Him to take away the pain.  Although the scriptures in Numbers never says that He did, it just says that if they looked up that they would live.  Not that they would live pain free.  I hate this day and I hate feeling this way.

I celebrate all of the wonderful mothers out there that sacrifice so much for the sake of their families.  I celebrate them sincerely.  I pray for them, for the strength that they need.  I pray that they know what a difference they make even when they feel so unappreciated.  I pray that they appreciate the children that they have even on those days that they question their decision to ever have children.  I pray that they are reminded just how important they really are, just what a difference they really make.  I pray for them because they are wonderful!

 

Tags: holidays, infertility, Mother's Day, Religion, rock point church