My sleeping patterns are just that…a pattern. I go through a time where I am easily getting seven to eight hours of very solid, restful sleep every night and life is good. Then I find myself waking up six hours after I fall asleep and I still feel rested and able to conquer my day. Slowly that slips into me not being able to fall asleep, no matter what I do, my mind races and even if my body is physically exhausted my mind refuses to shut down and so I start only getting five hours a night and then four and sometimes even three. Of course at that point I don’t feel rested and after a week or so of that part of the pattern my mood starts to shift…that’s where I am at…my mood has shifted.
The past couple of days I haven’t been able to grab onto my sunshiney yellow disposition with both hands and use it for all it is worth. No, instead a little blue has slipped in and I find my temperament to be more of a pukey, baby shit green. Not pleasant to look at or be around. And while some of it is a result of my lack of sleep, I know that my jacked up sleep schedule isn’t the only culprit.
Some of this funk is the introspective, dig-deep, soul-searching, self-evaluation that I go through each year without fail. And honestly I’d like to find a way to snap out of it and not go through it all. I hate having to take a good hard look at my faults and failures and see where change needs to be made. I hate feeling vulnerable and raw with emotion. I hate coming to the realization that everything is not okay the way it is. I hate realizing that I’ve pretended for as long as I could. I hate having to dig deep to find the courage to make changes, because change is hard.
So please bear with me while I go through this…please keep in mind that sometimes I will pretend to be all sunshiney yellow even though I am not because it might be the only way I can make it through that day. And sometimes there will be no pretending and my mood and attitude will be pukey, baby shit green. I’d like to apologize for that, but I won’t, because it is life…it is where I am at…it is what I am going through right now. And that requires no apologies, none at all.
Oh, wow! Did you just put Pink on here or was it already there when I tweeted, LOL! I love it! Wishing you sunny days and “an ice cold beer”!
I put it on after…the song is definitely a gentle reminder to me that even if I am in a funk, I still should love me… Thanks by the way…your encouragement was just what I needed today.
I’m sorry. I totally get the pukey, baby shit green feeling. I’m here if you want to talk, and either way, I’m praying you thru your funk. Looking forward to your sunny days coming back, friend.
Thanks for the prayers and the offer of a listening ear…both are needed and appreciated