Because it is

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.  ~Cyril Connolly

Most of the time, it’s good.

I realized that I write most often when my life is swirling beyond control around me.  When I am not sure which way is up and I feel like I am drowning.  And I blog about what is happening in order to make some semblance of sense of it all.  And it doesn’t always work.  When I am done writing, I may still not understand what is happening or which way is up and I may still feel like I am barely treading water, but in the end…I feel better.  My head feels clearer.  I feel like I can go on and tackle whatever it is I am up against.

But only writing when things are awry may lead one to believe that  my life is always that way.  And that is not true.  My life is good.  Most of the time it’s good, but I don’t need to write to figure that out.

And so I don’t usually write when things are good, because what is there to say then?  When my life it is good it is also fairly boring.  I don’t do much and who honestly cares about the daily happenings of my big fat cat except me?

So if you only hear from me when the world is swirling, know that when it’s not, I’m still here.  Still enjoying life.  Still hanging on.  Still moving…or maybe even standing still, but still okay.

Feeling like…

I have been working my way through a fairly lengthy interview process…it is a government job so it isn’t as simple as an interview and a yes or no.  It’s a process.  It started in June…and ended today.  Today I received an email saying that I wasn’t qualified for the job.  I didn’t get it.  The process is over.

 

And I am tired of feeling like a failure.  I am tired of feeling like I have failed.   I am tired of not knowing what comes next. I am tired of feeling like I have no direction.  I am tired.

Tired…and frustrated…and angry…and discouraged…and overwhelmed…and hurt…and feeling foolish for feeling this way at all.

They say it’s your birthday…it’s my birthday too…

Last year on my birthday I made a list of 33 things to do before today, of which I completed…none.   Not one…I mean even the one I had done for a short time, giving up ALL soda, didn’t last the whole year.

Why? Were my goals too lofty? Too ambiguous? Too expensive? No, not really. But yet I didn’t accomplish any of them.

It’s been a rough year for me (which is really a poor excuse, but a reason none the less). I have been struggling mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically this past year. I have faced many obstacles and it has worn me down and worn me out. It’s just life, I know that.

I know that I am not the only person going through this. I am not the only person to lose my job, take a pay cut, lose my health insurance, have to move, not be able to pay the bills, feel the tension that financial woes cause between spouses, suffer from depression, suffer from insomnia, battle fatigue, muscle aches and headaches, feel like screaming, actually screaming, feel like crying, actually crying, feel like shutting everyone out and feel like shutting down. I know that I am not alone, but there is no consolation in that. While misery may like company, I believe suffering likes to be alone. I’m certain it’s a self-pity thing.

So, I failed at completing my list. Am I a lesser person because of that? No, but it would have been nice to try new things, to accomplish set goals, to make a difference. That would have been good.

But here I am…another year older…perhaps even another year wiser (although that’s definitely up for debate).  Maybe a little worse for the wear in some places, but in others I’m doing fine.  And I will be okay.  And I have a whole ‘nother year (God willing) to try again on that list.

It has to be the shoes…

I don’t ’shop’ for shoes.  I have a few pair that I wear all the time, but they are nothing special or expensive…they might actually be considered cheap. And I am okay with that.

BUT…if I had money to spend on frivolous fun…I think I just may blow it on a pair of these…

Aren’t they just the cutest thing you have ever seen?  I have absolutely no idea what I’d wear them with, but goodness they are adorable.

Of course, it would be a tough choice, because I also like these…

and these…

oh, and these…

and of course these…

So it really is a good thing I don’t ’shoe shop’ or I would have a closet full of Fluvogs and a wallet full of nothing.

But I guess life is not always exciting

Soon September will be here.  In most places, September brings with it the need to dig out jackets for cool evenings.  Here it means the weather might dip below 100 a day or two.  MIGHT.  MAYBE.  IF we are lucky.  And I always start to question why I live here of all places.

B pointed out to me that I hadn’t written at all in August.  So I couldn’t let it sneak by without at least getting one post on here.  Although I honestly don’t feel like I have a whole lot of anything to post about.  Nothing terribly exciting anyway.  But I guess life is not always exciting, at least not mine.  So here’s life.

I’ve started thinking about Christmas already. There is only 117 days left. With the plan to create/make gifts for everyone this year, there is no way to put off thinking about Christmas until the end of November.  And thank you Amy for so generously allowing me to borrow your sewing machine until I can get mine repaired or replaced.  Now, I will actually be able to sew some of the gifts.

But what to make?  Truthfully, I have more ideas then I have time and fabric…for all of the ladies in my life, but when it comes to the boys/men, well I am utterly stumped.  I am not proficient enough (yet) to make clothing so seriously. what to make?

I picked up a couple of SEW News magazines at Half Price Books when I was there picking up How People Grow for small group.  I can’t believe the magazines were only 50 cents each!  Considering they are six or seven dollars if you purchase them brand new.  So really, you can get 12 magazines for what you’d pay for one.  Granted they are a couple of years old, but has sewing really changed that much in the last few years?  Grading a pattern is grading a pattern…same in 2009 as it was in 2003.  I am hoping to really be able to start making clothes by the beginning of next year.  Clothes that I am willing to wear out of the house.  Clothes that I’d be willing to give to others.  That might take time, but have I not got time?  I must, as I seem to waste a lot of it doing nothing productive.

And speaking of not being productive, I have been at my job for four months now.  I am trying to have a good attitude about it and trying to be content here, but what a struggle!  I have never felt less challenged by a job.  I have never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one.  I have never dreaded going to work each and every morning, with the exception of the job where my boss admittedly ‘had a problem working with women and I was going to just have to learn to deal with that’.  I have never started counting down the minutes until Friday from the first minute I am there on Monday.  Until now.  I am thankful for my job though.  I am thankful that I was able to find something in this economy.  I am thankful that in spite of my focused skill set and training, I was able to find a job in a different field then the one I had spent the last 14 years in.  I am blessed that I receive a paycheck that covers our needs.  I know that there are others that are not in such a place.  That do not even have a job that they can not stand.  They would be grateful for anything, even if it wasn’t challenging.  Even if they felt taken advantage of.  Even if they didn’t feel like this is where they should be.  They would be grateful.  And I am, but I still do not like my job.

But I am not simply sitting idle and complaining.  I am seeking different things, looking at other possibilities.  I have considered going back to school.  I have put in applications for other jobs.  I have interviewed and continue to interview for other positions.  And most importantly, I pray.  I pray that God will give me a spirit of joy.  I pray that He will provide me with a spirit of contentment in the place He wants me to be.  I pray that if I am not content with where I am that He opens up my ears and makes my heart willing to follow where He leads.  WHEREVER He leads!!!

In other news…I recently discovered StumbleUpon.  I have found so many interesting websites that I am sure I never would have found on my own just by entering what I am interested in.  Of course, on the flip side, I have also found sites that I am glad I have never found on my own.  Thankfully though, they have a resource for you to say ‘Hey, don’t like that one’.

I have stumbled upon websites that taught me cool crafty things, like how to make sidewalk chalk using eggshells, how to make a reversible camera strap cover, how to make marble magnets, how to make a mini tool box & how to make a house key hider.

I also stumbled upon websites with recipes and cooking advice, like this yummy looking peanut butter and chocolate cake or these garlicky baked fries or who knew that there was so many spices that they needed their own encyclopedia. Oh and there’s this recipe that looks so incredibly good even though I am not a huge fan of chocolate cake.

What else have I stumbled upon?  How about the fact that WD-40 is for more then just lubricating squeaky things? Or that tea bags can be used as an air freshener in small spaces? Or advice on organizing your life. (I should probably read through that one)

And of course when it comes to sewing, I have stumbled upon page after page of fun, new things…or things I already knew but now have marked for future reference. I have the instructions for sewing a ladder stitch, making a knotted cable chain stitch and embroidering a lazy lotus.  I will now be able to easily gather fabric, sew a skirt in five minutes (maybe), turn a pillow case into a cute top and if I so desire, make underwear from a t-shirt. Although, I am not sure I ever will.

And just because I like things like this…a tidbit about getting old, bathroom graffiti, and being a little thankful that it’s not this cold or even as cold as this.

And that’s August…or at least the highlights of August.  Maybe I’ll do better about writing in September.  Maybe I’ll be so busy getting ready for Christmas that I won’t write again until January.

We’ll see.

Less Then Five

Wilbur Rees wrote…

I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.
Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine.
I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant.
I want ecstasy, not transformation.
I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.
I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack.
I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.

My prayer for today is that this is not my prayer for today.

Absolutely boring

Imperfection is beauty

Madness is genius

It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than to be absolutely boring.

Marilyn Monroe

Each day has enough trouble of its own

As a general rule, I am not a worrier.  Not to say that I don’t ever worry, of course sometimes I do, but not usually, not often.  Worry doesn’t usually keep me up at nights.

Tonight is different.  Tonight I sit here almost afraid to go to sleep for fear that I won’t hear my phone if it rings.  I am notorious for sleeping through my alarm so why would my phone be any different?

My mom isn’t feeling well and has been having chest pains for I don’t know how many days.  I have been encouraging her to go to the doctors and today when she called they told her that she should go to the emergency room.  My mother is stubborn.  STUBBORN!  Especially when it comes to anything medical.  She waits until the last possible minute to seek medical attention and this time I am afraid.

There is no dragging her there either.  If she does not want to go there is nothing I can do but wait and be ready to go when she is ready to go.

Of course my dad is out of town and so she is home alone which scares me too.  Maybe I should have stayed over there tonight.  perhaps that would have eased my mind a little.

I am concerned/worried about my mom.  She has not taken very good care of her health.  She has been a smoker for well over thirty years, she has high blood pressure that she doesn’t treat, she doesn’t sleep well and she doesn’t have very healthy eating habits.

It’s time to spend some time with the only One that can provide me with a reprieve from my worry.  Time for prayer before I head off to sleep.  Time to worry less and trust in Him more.  He is in control.

A few minutes…a few thoughts

This year I moved from the preschool to the kindergarten class at church.  I am co-teaching with my sister, which really is a lot of fun.  I haven’t taught a class with her in years…fifteen years or so actually.  I am truly blessed to see my sister at work; she is an awesome teacher and I know that I will learn so much from her.  (As long as I don’t keep taking over that is.)  I have such a tendency to ‘take charge’ in the classroom.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we had such a small class and I had the opportunity to shoot a couple of pictures.  These children are a definite work in progress and I can’t wait to see how they grow as the year goes by.

By God’s design, there lies in wait for you

Important work that no one else can do.

Just as the planets find their paths through space,

You too must grow to fill your proper place.  ~Thayer